


Coloured Glass

by crepuscular_writer



Series: Coloured Glass 'Verse [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Boys Kissing Boys, Canon Lesbian Character, Canon Lesbian Relationship, Castiel and Dean Winchester are Cute, Cuddling, Deaf Castiel, DeanCas - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, Disability, F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Gay Castiel, Gay Love, Girls Kissing Girls, Human Benny, Human Castiel, Kissing, Loneliness, M/M, Mute Dean, POV Dean Winchester, POV First Person, Rating May Change, Tags May Change, Virgin Castiel, cute dates, deaf cas, note passing, this is my first attempt at writing on this site so bear with me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-06
Updated: 2015-12-23
Packaged: 2018-02-24 07:01:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2572403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crepuscular_writer/pseuds/crepuscular_writer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean loses his voice and Cas was born deaf. They meet at a therapy group with shady lighting and stale cookies.</p><p>I suck at summaries.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone, this is my first time I have ever written a story on this site so bear with me, I am new. Comments, kudos, and suggestions are appreciated :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First little part of my new project, comments/kudos/reading is/are appreciated :)
> 
> If anyone is interested, you can keep up to date on chapter progress over on [my tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/crepuscular-writer)!

What is Life Without a Voice?

or at least a Color Commentator:

As it is, with or without a voice,  
Life will exist, and continue on, in the Universe,  
without our human tongue-flapping arrogance  
making vibrations in the air, for example,  
or an animal's death-announcing screech in the night -  
life would still struggle on without a voice:

Toward a voice.

-Numi Who

**~o~**

From the day you were born, you had a voice. You came out of your mother crying and wailing, confused and cold. You were washed up, swaddled in a blanket, and set into her impatient arms. Your parents shed a tear, and you stare at them in wonder.

For months, your parents wake up in the middle of the night to your crying. They probably debated a bit for whose turn it was before your mom gets up to calm you down. She walked into your nursery and picked you up, cradling you in her loving arms, willing you to sleep. Your dad joins in, setting his hands on your mom's shoulders and they rock back and forth peacefully. You fall back asleep, and they do so too.

**~o~**

When you are a couple months after your first birthday you say your first word. Incoherent syllables and blubbering murmurs are all you've had to work with until now, so the way 'momma' sets on your tongue feels weird and foreign. And the way your mom is laughing at your dad's face doesn't explain anything. Your mom smiled so proudly, winning the common "momma or dada" gamble all new parents have.

**~o~**

In elementary school, you learn that it is rude to speak out of turn. Talking when your teacher speaks is also wrong. So is talking when you are being lectured. You can only talk when you are called on or during recess. But you loved to talk. The sounds you make are fascinating, always have been. This interest almost guarantees parent-teacher meetings every month.

**~o~**

When you are holding your new baby brother in your arms, his name is fresh on your lips. For the first time you are speechless. You muster up a 'hi'. He doesn't respond. After months of saying "Goodnight Sammy" to your mom's growing tummy, you would at least like a 'hello' back.

**~o~**

In social studies you learn about the Amendments. It is really hard to pay attention to the drone of Ms. Brown's boring voice. You learn one thing though. The First Amendment says that since you were born in America, you have a right to the freedom of speech. You can say whatever you want, as long as it isn't mean or a lie. This makes you smile.

**~o~**

When night falls, you sneak out of your room after your parents fall asleep and into Sammy's room. You wanted to sing happy birthday to him when the clock turns midnight. It would be really cool to be there right when it happens. You waddle down the hallway and reach the door. You quietly grab the doorknob and push it open. When the door hits the wall, you scream.

Your mom and dad wake up and run to Sammy's room, but he was already gone.

A few hours later, the flashing lights are keeping you from falling asleep. Your dad is talking to a man with a cool walkie-talkie, tears in his eyes. Your mom holds Sammy to her chest. He fell asleep a while ago, after the flashing cars came to visit them. She whispers into your ear and kisses your head a lot. The cars go away later, maybe they had to go home. Your mom puts you in her lap after she puts Sammy to bed. She tells you that the man in Sammy's room was bad. He was trying to take Sammy away. This makes you cry. Your mom holds you to her chest and hums "Hey Jude" to calm you down as small tears don your face. It is a bad night, you think. And you just wanna go to sleep.

**~o~**

Fourth grade comes along and after a boring day of playing with bongos and maracas, Ms. Heck asks you to stay after for a bit; help her clean up. When they instruments are all out away on the shelves, she gives you a piece of paper. "I know choir sounds like a girl thing, but I think you would be good at it. We're singing at the Fall Festival and I'd really like it if you joined us. You have a great voice, even at your age. You'll have to ask your parents, but I think you'll love it." You nod slowly, and catch up to your class for recess.

**~o~**

In high school, people try to limit you to the standards made by people who don't care about you, or don't care to push themselves to the best they can be, albeit is not that great.

"No, you cannot take Spanish 1, French 1, _and_ German 1 this year. There is no room in your schedule."

Of course this pisses you off. You storm out of your counsellor's office and into the crowded high school hallway. Damn, it's so weird to be there for you. Your freshman year, you can't believe it. They shouldn't be denied trying new things. You really want to learn all three, and it'll look fantastic on your transcript. But those assholes don't think you can do it. Well screw them, you think. You'll just borrow a friend's textbook for a while.

**~o~**

Having a voice is wonderful, you believe. Even with all the trouble and pain it's worth sometimes, it's pretty damn beautiful. The 'i-love-you's and the 'oh-my-god's and the moving speeches and  poems. You can never quite explain it. No one would truly understand. You can scream, yell, whisper, moan, scoff, sing; The list goes on. The power of one voice can rally nations, destroy prejudice, provoke reactions, and evoke change. It is a privilege under-appreciated and taken for granted. To you it is a gift.

Now imagine all that being gone.


	2. 1 : Rose

I grew up in this town, my poetry was born between the hill and the river, it took its voice from the rain, and like the timber, it steeped itself in the forests.

-Pablo Neruda

**~o~**

She pulled into the sparse parking lot and pulled up to the front on the one-story building. One of the two lamps' light was out, casting a hideous shadow over the car. She leaned her back into her seat, letting out a deep breath. She looked at me. A spark of hope ignited in my chest.

"I know you don't want to do this, but I think it could help. You can't keep everything bottled up for a rainy day, you have to talk about it."

I sighed, disappointed. I shot her a glare.

"Sorry. You know what I mean. This is for the best. This is good."

I sighed, her words not really making me feel any better. I still had to go to this stupid group meeting.

"I want you to get better. I'm doing what I can."

I nodded slightly. If I could do this for her peace of mind, then I'd do my best.

"Okay. Have fun. Make friends!" she hollered as I got out of the car.

After I got out she kicked the car into full drive, leaving me there by myself. I guess she didn't want to give me a chance to run.

Pulling at the front doors, I stepped inside and found a small, tidy room and a man at what is supposedly the front desk. He's bent over a computer and typing something with sluggish speed.

Lifting my fist into the air, I knocked on the counter three times, catching his attention.

"Oh, uh," he said intelligently, "hello. What can I do for you?" He dropped some papers as he spoke and the scatters across the floor and desk.

I looked away, patting my pockets for something. I found the item, and slid the half page over to the guy.

A look of reservation donned his face, and a pit started to form in my stomach. I hate this part the most.

His eyes scanned over the paper and when he finished, his glance caught mine for a minute before looking away, pointedly trying to not make eye contact.

"Okay. It's the first last door to your left once you go through the double doors. You should be able to find it fairly easily." He smiled kindly.

I gave him a small smile back before nodding and making my way to the double doors.

The hallway was poorly lit and there we're dust rabbits in every corner and crevice of the floor. The walls were chipped and cracked in many places, clusters of disrepair and neglect. I passed door by door until I reached the last. A piece of paper was taped poorly onto the door.

This was the place.

My heart began to speed its pace; my pulse could be heard in my ears. I could be breathe, my thoughts were clogging up my head, I couldn't think straight. My knees shook, a wobbly and crooked feeling.

'It's okay, Dean, you got this. Just open the door,' I thought to myself.

A shaky hand touched the doorknob and grasped it shakily. I turned the knob and opened the door.

Eyes flitted to me, everyone stopped whatever they were doing and just stared. Step by step, I passed the threshold. The atmosphere was not cold and mean, but curious and friendly, if not a bit shady. The lights were flickering and the walls looked the same everywhere else in the building.

An older woman stepped forward, sandals slapping her feet, and stuck her hand out.

"Hello, I'm Jenny. You must be Dean, come sit. We were just about to start."

Nodding politely, I took my seat, surrounded by a diverse crowd. An Asian woman was sat two seats to my left and a little kid to the right of me.

"Hello everyone. Welcome. I am so excited to see so many people join us tonight."

There were eleven of us, including her. Some turnout.

"I think it would be a great idea if we all can come up front and introduced ourselves to the group. Any volunteers?"

The few of who showed up looked around, expecting someone to give in and go first. It was kind of awkward and the Asian was staring at me, like she thought I should do it. I raised my hand.

"Oh thank you. I ask everyone be quiet so we can hear everyone. Go ahead sweetie."

I sauntered up to the front of the room. Jenny had stood aside for me to have more room, I guess. My hands shook even harder, and my palms and face were sweating bullets. My racing heart was keeping my thoughts in a nice spaghetti shape in my head.

I swiveled around the room looking for something, anything to help me. I discovered a marker in a basket hanging from a wide whiteboard. I picked up the marker, nerves just little calmer than before. I began writing in the board, the words I wanted to say. When I finished, I capped the marker and stood aside for them to see what I had wrote.

_'My name is Dean Winchester. I am seventeen years old and I am mute.'_


	3. 2 : Orange

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My bff is laying next to me, giving me writing advice. So thank you Chelsea; you the bomb

 

The whole meeting was pointless. After my confession on the whiteboard a woman talked about the loss of her legs and some guy complained about not being able to get it up. All I got was a few stares and a couple lost hours.

After the meeting adjourned, I got up to collect my things and get out of here. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a girl walking towards me. I stood up straighter when she reached me. The girl was a foot shorter than me, and golden hair and caramel skin, a knowing look in her eyes. Her gaze was fixed on my face, like she was counting my freckles, which was absurd. There were too many. I tried.

"Hi, my name is Gilda."

I smiled and picked up my jacket.

"You're Dean, right? The mute guy?"

Nodding, I shrugged on my jacket and grabbed my phone off the seat. What did this girl expect, a yes?

"Oh, cool. I was wondering if you wanted to grab a milkshake. There's a place about a block away that makes them with real skim milk."

The girl was beaming. How could I say no?

Ten minutes later we were sat in the back corner of the diner. Our milkshakes were ordered and a short silence fell upon us.

"So, do you go to school near here?" she asked.

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I sighed, force of habit. I sipped on my water, and the straw made that annoying slurpy sound. I grabbed the pitcher and poured myself some more and took a big gulp.

"Oh, sorry. What about yes or no questions?"

I held up my hand, motioning for her to hold up a second. Pulling at the object in my pocket, I presented a notepad and a pen.

I uncapped the pen and wrote.

_'Maybe this is better than head-nodding?'_

Gilda laughed softly.

"Great! Well, what school do you go to?"

I wrote.

_'Lawrence High School. You?'_

"Oh, I'm home schooled. But I did go to a dance there with my girlfriend last month."

_'What's her name?'_

She blushed, "Charlie."

My mouth fell open. Charlie? My Charlie? My best friend since diapers, Charlie?

_'You wouldn't happen to mean Charlie Bradbury, would you?'_

"Yeah, that's her. Why?"

_'She's my best friend.'_

She seemed taken aback.

"Really, she didn't tell you about me?"

I shrugged, not knowing what else to write.

_'I guess it hasn't come up yet.'_

"Well, she hasn't mentioned a Dean either."

_'Touche.'_

She smiled.

I prompted, shifting in my seat:

_'So, I'm mute. What's your disability?'_

Gilda sat back off the edge of her chair, and let out a nervous breathe. She glanced out the window, like she saw something. Did I say something I shouldn't have? Shit, I probably did.

I tried to make eye contact with her, but she wasn't having any of it.

_'You can tell me anything, you know. That's what the group is for.'_

I ripped out the yellow page and slid it across the table to her. She snuck a peak at the paper, then at me.

She shifted.

"Before Charlie, I was with this guy named Damon. He drank a lot, but I loved him. He would hit me and I'd take it, right? He loved me deep down, too, so it was okay. I would forgive him for anything.

"One night, he was angry because he lost his poker game and he went crazy. Apparently the game was with an old friend, and he owed this guy money. I tried to calm him down, but it didn't work. He was throwing things and breaking stuff and suddenly he just stopped, and looked at me."

Her chest was heaving heavily and tears were brimming over her eyes lightly.

I put my hand over hers on the table, trying to comfort her. My heart ached for her, and I tried to let that feeling speak through the air. I didn't need words for this. She looked at me appreciatively.

"His sister found me tied to his bed, bloody and bruised. I was barely conscious. She was the one who drove me to the hospital. I went under examination and the doctors told me I wasn't pregnant. That I couldn't get pregnant. My cervix being too short and miscarriage was almost guaranteed."

She cleared her throat, but I shed a tear. This poor girl.

"I've been getting help since and Damon's in jail, but my therapist said that I need to talk about it so I can cope better. That's why I joined the group."

I nodded, my heart strings playing softly for her. I didn't really find anything else to say. Well, more like I couldn't.

"What about you, huh?" She cleared her throat and sniffled. "How'd you lose your voice?"

_'Football accident.'_

There really wasn't much else to explain.

"Oh, c'mon," she exclaimed, throwing her arms in to the air dramatically. "I practically give you my whole life's story and you give me two words?" She held up two fingers for visual representation.

I shrugged, a smirk on my face. Her reaction was kinda funny.

"Well, fine then. I'll get it all out of you somehow," she promised.

_'We should probably head home now. My mom is waiting for my "save me" text.'_

She understandingly nodded.

"Okay, I'll let you go. Bye Dean."

I waved goodbye and almost made it out of the doorway when I heard my name being called again.

"Hey Dean?"

I turned.

"Don't tell Charlie about," she stopped, her voice caught in her throat. The same way I feel every day. "This. Any of it?"

I smiled at her, nodded yes, and walked out of the diner towards the now even lonelier parking lot.


	4. 3 : Teal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am trying to make an updating schedule but I would like to know what you guys think? Like a once a week thing? Suggestions are encouraged in the comments.

"our bones  
like stems into the sky'  
will forever cry  
victory"

-Charles Bukowski

**~o~**

I was drawing. The ink shifting into swirls and intricate patterns on the paper. Art was my escape. It gave me something less real to focus on. I heard a knock at the door and my eyes darted towards the noise. Mary walked in and made her way towards me. She passes by stacks and stacks of books and CDs.

I was surprised at the intrusion. What did she want? Mary learned lately to leave me alone when I am in my room. I needed the space to cope, said multiple doctors.

She gave me a smile and spoke.

"So," she clapped her hands and rubbed them softly together, "you go back to school tomorrow. How do you feel?"

Mary knew my facial features, I guess a mother's bond with her child or some shit like that, and I didn't need to write down my feelings. She already knew.

I shrugged anyway, and I focused back on my sketch.

Mary huffed. "You're gonna have to face them sooner or later. I know it must be scary, but they are your friends. Your teachers, your coach. Oh God, Coach must be worried sick about you. You know I got a voicemail from his yesterday and I never got back to him..." Mary soon trailed off into incoherent mumbling.

I looked down at my desk, not wanting to think about what she said. Coach wasn't worried, he was probably just pissed at me for missing so much practice. The second he sees me he's gonna haul my ass to the gym for some suicides. I laughed at the thought.

"You've taken all the time you could to recover. You need to go to school. I'll have your lunch packed for you on the table when you wake up. I love you."

She kissed me on the forehead and was about to shut the door when she turned back to me again.

"Dinner's almost ready by the way. It's taco night," she smiled and ran off.

I sighed, heart breaking silently. That was the first time I haven't ever been able to say 'I love you' back to her. It won't be the last either.

I woke up to the sound of my alarm.

I groaned, slapping the machine till it was silent and pushed off my duvet. Crawling out of bed felt more or less like crawling out of hell. My throat was dry and my hair was a downright crow's nest. A shower was definitely needed. And a losange.

After I was all washed up and dressed I trudged down the stairs and sure enough, my lunch was on the table, and a post-it note was pressed to the surface of the brown paper bag.

'Good luck at school, sweetie. Have fun! Love, Mom'

It was she was trying to embarrass me.

I grabbed my stuff and headed out to the end of the driveway, my bus stop. I recognized Sam sitting against the old oak, nose in book as usual. I smiled at the sight. He was such a fucking nerd; Sammy was going places, bigger and better places.

The wind made the air feel even more chilly and my legs started to freeze underneath my worn jeans. My fingers were turning an alarming shade of purple, so I hastily shoved them into my jacket. Damn it, why don't I use my head and bring gloves next time. It wasn't too much longer until the bus screeched to a halt and in greeting stuck out its red, flashing stop sign.

Me and Sammy climbed up the steep stairs onto the bus, and the driver made a point to make eye contact with me, before shaking his head and closing the door. He must've known. Probably everyone knew. I blushed and walked down the aisle and found my seat.

The bus ride felt just as cold and long as it was last time I rode it to school. It was jerky and dry and it smelled like faux leather and gym clothes.

When we arrived at the school I stopped and stared. It looked bigger somehow, more intimidating and terrifying. I took a shaky breathe and steeled myself. I walked to the various double doors and went inside.

The hallway was one where every sports trophy was displayed. I recognized a few, like the state championship from my sophomore year and the many regional and district wins alongside the tall, hulking piece of plastic and chrome paint.

I wandered through the maze-like hallways and found my way to my locker. Few students were around, just a few freshman girls meandering and gossiping. They didn't notice me as I opened my locker and deposited some books off and picked some up. I slammed the door shut. Of course that was when the lip-gloss engrossed girls looked his way; he was obviously more interesting than their previous conversation. I ignored their prying gazes and escaped to my first block class.

I entered the classroom and made an effort not to make eye contact with the few students that were there before him. I sat in my seat and stared at my textbook until the bell rang for the block to start.

Students flooded in and I didn't recognize the woman standing at the white board, shortly after everyone was seated.

"Good morning children. My name is Naomi Adams, but you are to call me Mrs. Naomi or Mrs. Adams," she spoke with a hint of a condescending tone.

"Open your textbooks to--yes?"

A girl spoke from the front of my row.

"What happened to Mrs. Barnes?"

Mrs. Naomi gave her a sickly sweet smile and responded, "Mrs. Barnes is on maternity leave. For the rest of the semester, I will be your Foreign Literature teacher." She turned her attention back to the rest of the class.

"Now, please, open your textbooks to page forty-three. We are beginning the Japanese section of the course. We are going to go around and read a few lines out loud as a class."

Her head scanned the small, confining room and I panicked. I sunk into my chair and tried desperately to disappear from the world. Fuck, please don't pick me, not me, I haven't done anyone wrong. Please not me not me, don't pick me...

"You, third seat from the back, fourth row. Why don't you start us off?"

I looked up to those cold, dead blue eyes and my stomach plunged to my sneakers. A blush crept its way up from my cheeks and reached down to my chest, the fever spreading almost everywhere visible. I looked down again. Hot tears prickled behind my lids and I tried furiously to blink them away.

"Uh, ma'am?"

My head spun towards the voice, and so did the heads of the entire class. It was Garth. He was a scrawny lid in my year who was the lead of the school play last year, "The Drowsy Chaperone." He squirmed under the gaze of everyone in the space, Mrs. Naomi's vicious stare and I mentally shivered and simultaneously thanked him.

"Ma'am, uh, he can't ma'am."

"What?"

Mrs. Naomi looked irritated, like she was just told she was being punked. Her irritated demeanor changed to me, and back to Garth.

"It's not like he can't talk, can he?"

Before Garth could speak, he was interrupted.

"Of course. You," she pointed to me and I shrunk back, "read the passage or you're getting a detention."

"Ma'am, he's mute."

She stopped and turned to Garth, sending kind daggers at his skull; making him uncomfortable was pleasurable to her, so it seemed. Her clenched palms relaxed and her shoulders rolled back.

"Well, that's too bad."

Relief.

"Detention for both of you."

My eyes almost shot out of my skull.

"You, first seat, first row. Read the passage," Mrs. Naomi instructed.

Well, that went well.

**~o~**

"She can't do that," grunted Jo. "It's discrimination or some shit. It's wrong!"

I nodded with her, walking by her side to lunch. First block was awkward and tense after my little scene and it was so slow it almost killed me. Second block, AP Stats, was a lot easier and this time the teacher knew why she was not to call on me. She gave me a TigerPop instead.

"Do you have it on Thursday?"

I nodded.

I was grateful for Jo. She made it easier for me just by asking yes-or-no questions and was patient when I did write out my side of our conversations. She stuck with me through this whole ordeal and I knew she was not gonna go anywhere.

"You know," Jo prompted hesitantly, "you could start, uh, learning ASL. It would be a lot easier than this silent brooding you got going on up there."

What? I gave her a confused look, silently asking for her to elaborate.

"ASL means American Sign-Language. You know, Billy Whalls from third grade was deaf and used ASL. It could give you a chance to communicate."

I was overwhelmed. Yeah, I remember Billy. He was always quite and sat in the front of the classroom and played with the Barbies alongside the girls. I guess now that the creepy sweater-vest guy was his translator, since it always looked like he was just allowed to flip off the teacher in some obscene ways. Anyway, it doesn't seem like a terrible idea, but just the thought of all the memorization made my brain hurt.

I shrugged my shoulders and sat down to eat my lunch-packed by Mary of course-and continued my and Jo's conversations of paper for the rest of the period.

**~o~**

"Hey Winchester!" a voice called out from behind me as I closed my locker. I looked back and my eyes landed on one of the football managers, Aaron Bass.

"Hey man, how you doing? Sorry, you don't have to answer that. I just wanted you to know that you don't have to show to practice for a while, okay? Coach understands and he knows that you'll need some time to recoup. Just wanted to tell ya, the team is here for you. Okay? Text me man, we can hang out later."

I didn't know what to say, so I just nodded. Aaron's mouth quirked to one side, patted me on the shoulder, and left me to get to class.

**~o~**

"...and that is why I am glad I can't love. You know, people spend their entire lives looking for the right person. Their other half; their soulmate." She scoffed. "It's all fake. Marriage. It's a waste of time. I saw that clearly when my parents split. Love is a fantasy. The idea that you can give yourself to someone and have them treat you right is a bunch of horse shit. Everyone lies. I lie, you lie. Jenny probably lies every now and then." She gave a pointed look to the woman standing off to the side. "Anyway, love is made for the fictional to give hope to poor saps who sit alone reading porn all day and have thirty cats. Love is for the people weak enough to think that they need someone to make them whole and feel worthy of anything. Having someone in control of your feelings, well it just sounds like hell. Thank you."

The small assembly clapped half-heartedly, and I joined in. She deserved a little praise anyway, making the air turn depressing and suffocating in only three minutes. It was a talent.

Jenny walked back over to the front of the room and stacked some papers on her pedestal.

"Thank you Tammy for that, uh, eye-opening lecture. Who wants to go next?"

No one made a move.

"Dean? Do you have anything you wanna bring up about your week?"

I huffed. There was no way of getting out of talking today.

I got to my feet and walked to the huge white board and made a point of taking off the cap of the maroon marker, which was becoming my favorite marker.

_'I went back to school.'_

Jenny nodded. "Good job Dean, that's great. Anything else you want to share?"

I shook my head.

"Well, okay," she grinned kindly. "You can sit back down now."

I sped to my seat, not having to be told twice. The looks were finally not pointed at me. I sat down and listened on and off throughout the rest of the meeting.

When it ended, the people strong enough to stack the chairs did so and tidied up the crumbs that we (Tammy) left behind.

I waited for Gilda to get her bag before we headed to our diner. We have been growing closer as friends these past few weeks and she was just really cool to hang out with. We texted too, which was a lot easier than phone calls, for their obvious reasons.

"So how was school, really?"

_'This new teacher asked me to read aloud to the class and gave me a detention when I couldn't.'_

She looked surprised and a tad mad.

"But she can't do that, it's discrimination."

_'I know, but I checked the handbook. Since she didn't know beforehand she couldn't get in trouble for giving me punishment for disobeying her instructions. I'd still have to serve detention.'_

I shrugged and finished off the pitcher of water set on the table.

"Dude, don't you have to pee?"

I shrugged again.

_'I drink a lot of water. So what?'_

"No, you don't just drink water. You inhale it. You engulf it." I laughed at her incredulous, serious tone.

_'Okay, okay. Next topic.'_

She looked at me with a look I have only seen once before, but not recent enough for me to recognize its meaning.

"So I saw that Castiel guy making glances at you," she remarked slyly.

_'Who?'_

"Castiel, he is this super quiet deaf guy who sits in the room with his translator. He was staring at you, like, the whole hour."

I thought about that. Castiel, Castiel, where have I heard that name?

_'I didn't notice.'_

"Well of course not, you do't look up from your lap the entire meeting, unless Jenny calls on you or it's time to leave. Ya know, if I didn't know you were mute, I'd have thought you were antisocial"

I nodded and took a gulp of water and polished off my sitting slice of pie.

"He's kinda cute too."

Based on my reaction, I could conclude that I was the reason she started giggling and hiccuping. I looked down at the paper, then looked up, a nervous sweat starting to make an appearance on my brow.

_'What? I mean, I guess he's cute.'_

I shoved the paper in her face and she just swatted it away. I huffed. Why can't she just look at what I wrote?

When she finally calmed down her cheeks were red and happy tears were brimming over her eyes. I shook my head. This girl is impossible.

"But no, I'm serious. You two would be cute together, like as a couple."

_'But I like girls. I like boobs.'_

Gilda then found what I had written on the sheet and I blushed a little.

"Well, maybe you like guys too. You can like both."

_'But what would I be then? I'm not gay, then what?'_

Gilda stood up and took an unused straw, and gracefully tapped both my shoulders.

"I dub thee, Dean Winchester..."

I leaned forward.

She leaned forward and whispered.

"Bisexual."

_'Oh, I knew that.'_


	5. 4 : Redbud

"I lived seven lives before this  
lived and do not know how or where or when  
I was all from a vagrant to a king  
and now I'm lost between two infinities

I lived seven lives before this  
the legend of seven lives says  
he lived and every time was killed by his own word  
nobody knows anything about that lethal word

in this life again, I play with words  
I have not learned a lesson from the past  
which word adjudicates me and why  
whether it will survive generations

I lived seven lives before this  
only now learned that a word killed me - love  
there was never enough of it among words  
and it has never truly come to life among people

is it really worth it to die for love  
which is not in this place anyway  
or another place  
which the gaze of a desperate one can reach

however if I go before you from this life  
which I cannot call by the right name  
at the end, say as loudly as you can  
he always lived only for love that he never found

I lived seven lives before this one  
and had seven great loves  
but have not found love in any of these  
so then why live a new life"

-Ibrahim

**~o~**

Detention on Thursday was torture. I was stuck in a room with Garth, who actually wasn't that bad of a guy; Stoner Jesus, his actual name unknown; and a small Mexican freshman sitting in the back corner looking frightened of us, and correct me if I'm wrong, slightly turned on.

We were doomed to spend and hour with Mr. Crowley in complete silence and peace. The abandoned classroom was only used to punish stray students, and the smell was mephitic and noxious. There were no windows despite being located on the outer wall of the school, and the walls were a pale eggshell wallpaper that looked like it was made of real eggshells. After around fifteen minutes of boredom and mind-numbing silence, Mr. Crowley was called to the principal's office over the intercom. He huffed and yelled at us to not move or else he'd "make sure none of us saw the outside world until summer."

The door closed after him, and Stoner Jesus whipped his zipped jacket open and pulled out something small from the inside pocket and held it between his lips. His hand also pulled another object out of his jacket and held it up to the other.

Oh god, now? He chose _now_ to get high?

Stoner Jesus pulled the joint out of his mouth and blew a smoke ring into the air. His eyes caught mine, I must've been staring, and he gave me a wink before continuing his blazing.

When Mr. Crowley came back, Stoner Jesus already had half the roll gone, and didn't even try to hasten his removal of the joint. Crowley almost burst a vein. He marched over and grabbed the blunt out of his hands and threw it into the trash can.

"You are all free to go. I've got to take care of this one." He tightened his grip on the boy's sleeve and then left with Stoner Jesus in tow.

Sweet.

I grabbed my stuff, and waited for Garth to grab his stuff. I was repelled when I saw the freshman, still half-hard through his tight skinny-jeans, grabbed the blunt out of the trash can and took a deep breathe. He smiled fondly, and made a face, and left.

After Garth and I parted ways, I saw the late bus pulling out of the parking lot. I ran to catch up, my arms raised in the air and flailing, but to no avail. I stopped running and the bust got smaller and smaller as it travelled down the road towards home, and I grumbled. Just my luck, huh.

"Need a ride, roadrunner?"

I wheeled around, and there, leaning on her obscenely loud yellow slug bug, including the eyelashes attached to the front lights, was Gilda smiling. She looked amused. She must've seen the whole thing.

I smiled and nodded, breathlessly walking around to the passenger door, almost knocking off the lips on the front license plate, and climbed inside. As I sat down, I pulled my notepad and blue pen out of my pocket. I scribbled my thoughts down onto the paper and handed it to Gilda.

_'How did you know I was here?'_

Gilda shifted under my gaze and adjusted in her seat. "You texted me." She spun and scanned me. "You told me that you had to cancel our ice cream and Doctor Who marathon," I sunk, everything she was retelling coming back to me, "for Thursday detention. I remember Dean, I'm surprised you didn't."

I gave her a look of apology, even though I apparently already had.

"Not your best move, Dean-o. Now buckle up, or we'll miss half-off hot cocoa at the post office."

I hurriedly strapped up the belt, a smile spreading across my cheeks. Gilda shifted into reverse and pulled jerkingly out of the parking lot and drove until the brick school was just a speck in the rearview mirror.

"So, when do you think Charlie is gonna 'introduce' us?"

_'At this rate, I'll meet you at her funeral.'_

She laughed at that. It really was looking to turn out that way.

"But no, I'm serious. When are we gonna meet? It's like she's keeping us from each other. Like it's some big secret."

Gilda's expression changed. Her careless smile turned into a frown and her eyes lost their usual sparkle.

"Like _I'm_ a big secret."

_'Maybe she's just not ready.'_

She shook her head, my answer not enough to appease her uneasiness and stop the racing thoughts of doubt from making their way to her mouth.

"She doesn't talk about her friends around me, at least not in detail. She mentions a _Jo_ and a _Benny_ but never you. I bring up school and she shares but it is just small stuff like teachers or assignments. We hang out and stuff, but sometimes she'll just cancel out of the blue, and we never are at her house. Only mine, and only take-out. We've only been on one real date and that was our first."

Her voice was changing, shakier and less assured. It sounded strained and tight. Her eyes were brimming with tears, a few straying and glimmering down her cheeks.

I hesitantly grabbed the steering wheel, hoping she'd let go. She lifted her hands and hid her face in them. I shouldered the car. Gilda let go of the gas and parked the car haphazardly.

I unbuckled her seatbelt and pulled her into my lap. She let me guide her onto me and finally she let go of any and all restraints she had on herself.

Sobs racked her body and she pulled into my shoulder. It was torturing me to see her like this and having no words to comfort her. She must've been feeling so uncertain and sad. I began to understand what she was saying, before she was even speaking.

"W-what if she's cheating on me? What if there's someone e-else!" she bellowed, sniffling into my shoulders here and there.

I squeezed her reassuringly. Her head lifted off its place on my chest and started babbling.

"What if _I'm_ the other woman?"

She began crying harder.

Her head thumped back onto my chest, knocking some of the air I had out of it. We must've sat there for another twenty minutes, just holding each other and listening to the cars go by. I rubbed her back with my knuckles softly, something I did with Sam when he got fussy as a baby. It had the same effect on Gilda, and her breaths started to even out.

Gilda soon pulled away, getting up as much as she could to sit back into the driver's seat. She ran a hand through her hair and wiped away her tear trails. She took a deep breathe.

"Whew, okay. I'm good now." She seemed to have a grip on herself now, and my heart didn't ache as much for her. Hopefully whatever battle she had going on up in that thick skull of hers was back on the rails.

"Thank you Dean, for being such a good friend."

I smiled softly.

I wrote.

_'You're tough. We'll figure this out, I promise. Charlie is lucky as hell to have you.'_

She gave me a grateful vet and leaned over. Her lips pecked my cheek softly and sweetly. I blushed lightly and did the same to her. She laughed.

"C'mon, dork. We still got time to get cocoa."

She put her car back into drive and got back onto the road.

**~o~**

I walked up to my front door and unlocked it with my house key. The bolt clicked and I turned the knob. I walked through the threshold and closed the door behind me.

"You're home late."

I peeked behind me, and there in her scornfulness, was my mother. I sighed, the jig was up, and I was late for dinner.

"Where were you?"

I groaned and walked over to the huge-ass white board Mary had nailed to the wall. It was meant as a way for her to make dinner planning and grocery-list-making more fun but it just ended up being my translator.

I uncapped a black marker and wrote lazily, my presentation more than sloppy.

_'I was out with a friend.'_

"Ha," she pointed her finger at me and gave me a humorless laugh, "see, I already called Benny's and Charlie's and Jo's parents. They said they hadn't seen you. So tell me the truth."

Even in my darkest of days, Mary Winchester would not tolerate a complete disregard of dinnertime without as much as a smoke signal.

I smiled mischievously and wrote again.

_'But see, Mother, that is where you are confused. I wasn't talking about them.'_

Her face was of dubiousness and chary. She waved her hand, a gesture for me to go on.

_'I was with a friend from my counseling group.'_

This time she actually looked surprised. No sign of suspicion or doubt on her face, she was believing me.

"Really? Well, why didn't you just open with that?" She strode back to the kitchen and I followed.

I shrugged my shoulders and reached to the top shelf of the cupboard and grabbed a cup. I stole the milk jug out of the fridge and poured myself a cold glass of the good, less sexy and more healthful, white stuff.

"So what is this person like? Are they nice? What's their name?"

I shook my head. She was going way too fast. I grabbed grabbed the marker again to ease her curious, maternal mind.

_'Her name is Gilda, and yeah, she's pretty cool. She's dating Charlie.'_

"Oh, that's good that you two are getting along." Mary smiles and walks to kiss my forehead, running a hand through my sandy blonde hair affectionately. "I have to go to the store for some things. Do you wanna come?"

I shook my head.

"I'll be off then. Bye honey," she said, kissing my cheek, and leaving.

There was something calming I found in being home alone. Sam was at a buddy's studying and Dad was working late tonight at the garage. The peace and quiet was something rare at the Winchester house, so I relished at the empty house. When times like these came along I would watch a movie in the basement or listen to my music and dance wildly in my room. At one point I actually was bored enough that I danced on the roof that jutted out underneath the bigger of my two windows in my room. It was oddly liberating and freeing, feeling the wind and sun on my skin while the roofing shingles scratched at my bare feet as I just let loose.

When I look back on those moments, the feeling of the wind in my hair and on my skin, the weightlessness, it was kinda like that scene from _Quest for Camelot._

**~o~**

"You text her."

_'No, you text her.'_

"No, _you_ text her. She won't buy it if I do it. You're her best friend."

_'Text her!'_

"We are at your house, you do it!'

I gripped my pen, but the words died before they could reach the paper. She was right. For once. I sighed. Gilda had a talent for proving me wrong.

I huffed.

_'Fine, I'll do it. But I get to choose the movie when she shows up.'_

"Oh Dean," Gilda groaned, "if I see one more Harrison Ford movie, I will shave my hair off and throw it at you."

Oh.

Shortly after, a message was sent to Charlie asking her to come over, and because I was an anxiety-cleaner, did some last minute tidying up. Gilda put out the popcorn while I set up the _The Godfather_ on DVD.

Charlie showed up with a bang, just walking into our little two-story house without knocking and sporting a blazer, dress shirt and pants, a tie and tie clip, and her loafers from last year's Comic Con. Oh, and her fedora.

"What's up bitches. Who's ready for a little-"

She stopped, and I turned to Gilda, who was standing slightly behind me, looking at Charlie over my shoulder and lips quirked in a small smile.

"Hey Charlie, fancy seeing you here."

"Gilda? What are you doing here, at Dean's house?"

"Oh, Dean invited me over. You know, you really should have known he'd find out about me sooner or later."

She looked cornered, like a deer stuck in the headlights. Her body was stiff, unmoving, trying to pull the pieces from the puzzle to understand the turn of events.

"How did you meet?"

"We go to the same therapy group down at the center. We met there and we bonded over the fact that he was your best friend and I was your girlfriend."

"Oh."

I grabbed my pad out of my back pocket and scribbled a few words down and handed it to the ginger.

_'Why didn't you tell me about her?'_

"Oh Dean, I'm sorry," she handed me back the pad. "To both of you. I just, I wanted to make sure that I was serious first. Gilda, I  _really_ like you, but you knew that obviously, and I was gonna introduce you to everyone, my family and friends, at my birthday party, I just wanted to wait for the perfect time."

Charlie was blabbering, hands gesticulated rapidly, trying to get her point across, hair swaying slightly with her movements. When she finally stopped her hands dropped to her side, done talking faster than her.

_'You ready to watch the movie now?'_

Her smile broke her worried face, almost reaching her ears. With a dash she was hopping over the back of the couch, landing on the cushion with a grunt.

"Are y'all gonna join me already? I love _The Godfather_. I wish I had a mob family."

"Please, one taste of the power, you'd be hooked and lose your compos mentis."

"Exactly.

I chuckled, and I hit the 'play' button. It felt nice, just hanging out with both girls for once, seeing for myself how they acted and behaved around each other. It was refreshing, jokes thrown around and quoting the different characters word for word.

I was walking back to the living room, refilled popcorn bowl in hand, when I caught a glimpse of Charlie and Gilda, laying side by side, arms tangled together. Gilda had her face buried in the crook of Charlie's neck, and Charlie had such a blissful look in her eyes, it was hard to swallow. I leaned on the door frame, looking over the two. They were whispering, little giggles erupting from their hushed voices. My chest did a thing, clenching at the sight in front of me. Gilda leaned up to kiss Charlie, but I turned back into the kitchen before I could submit myself to more creepy watching. I set the bowl in my hand onto the counter and I hopped up next to it. Resting my head into my hands, elbows digging into the meat of my thighs, I began to think.

I haven't been with anyone since Cassie, when she moved back to Missouri to live with her father. We were about to hit our two-year anniversary, been together since we were fifteen, just on the brink of being young adults. But then her mother died, hit by a drunk driver on her way home from the graveyard shift at the hospital. Cassie was numb for days, wouldn't talk to anyone, only letting me hold her as she cried and making her eat what she could hold down. Her father, estranged and years older than Cassie remembered, showed at her mother's house, and demanded that Cassie go back to Missouri with him. He wanted to know his daughter. So when Cassie told me she wanted to, I didn't argue. She didn't need some redneck, small-town attachment in her new life. Long-distance relationships were never her thing anyway. I didn't fight back, didn't demand for her to stay with me, move in with her grandma until graduation when we could buy our own apartment, have a life together. Cassie deserved better. So I let her go.

That was a year ago, and I have been alone since. I had the once-in-a-while date that Charlie or Benny would set up, but they never stuck in his head, never made that big of an impression. Seeing Charlie and Gilda being close and intimate, it made me feel sick. Not a bad sick, but more like a sad kind of dolor. Charlie and Gilda were gonna last for a long time, if not forever. They had that lovey-dovey dewy-eyed look that newlyweds had, the look of love and affection, of endearment and warmth. I haven't looked at anyone like that in a long time. Not since Cassie left me, confused and my heart shattered at my feet, the feeling of being unworthy or just not enough seeping into my heart.

I could feel the chest clenching tighten, clearing my throat and hopping down from the counter. I grabbed the bowl and ambled back to the lovebirds in the living room. I put on my brave face and stuffed it with cold popcorn. The girls saw that I was present and took the bowl from me, taking huge handfuls of the stuff and setting the somehow half-empty bowl onto the coffee table. I smiled softly; they really were adorable, even as they cheered on the mobsters in their illegal acts, leering loudly. Tearing my thoughts away, I focused back on to the screen watching Don Vito Corleone's life crumble around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry! I was supposed to update on Christmas but then I decided New Years and ugh, I'm sorry. I will try harder to update on more of a set schedule. Comments and kudos are appreciated! Enjoy!


	6. 5: Lavender

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I am a terrible person  
> I take soo long to update and I feel like a bad person when I don't, please don't hate me.  
> I was wondering if anyone wanted to be my beta? I would love love love you
> 
> Here is a key to help distinguish who is writing:
> 
>    
>  _Dean_  
>  _ **Castiel**_  
>   
> 
> Please enjoy this story
> 
> and thank you for reading/commenting/leaving kudos!

"Language... has created the word 'loneliness' to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word 'solitude' to express the glory of being alone."

-Paul Tillich

**~o~**

  
The minute I walked into therapy group, I could feel eyes on me. It was uncomfortable I hoped it would pass, but the vibe didn't subside. I scanned the room, looking for who or what was watching me.

Oh.

Well that was hardly alert worthy.

Already in a seat was a boy around my age, and he was staring at me. Noticing he was caught, his head did a one-eighty so fast I thought he had given himself whiplash. I averted my eyes as well, but they slid back to the stranger, and took advantage of his current position.

He was wearing a maroon jacket over a green shirt, jeans, and converse, words and colors and random images marked onto the fabric and rubber of the shoes. His hair was almost an ink black, looking as though he just rolled out of bed after knocking boots with his lab partner. My fingers itched, wanting to run my hands through the soft looking strands. His eyes darted around the room, a clear cerulean pigment, wide, and took in his surroundings, but apparently missing me staring at him intently. A redheaded girl was sitting by his side, instead of the usual grey-haired man who usually accompanied him to these meetings. She touched his shoulder and held three fingers to her mouth and flicked them, and he responded by flicking his fisted hand up and down. The girl got up and grabbed a few water bottles before rejoining him, offering him one and he took it. He took a big gulp before slowly moving his eyes back to me, then looked quickly away. I blushed, being caught staring by the boy.

The heat crept up his cheeks. He probably felt me staring at him. I realized I hadn't moved from my spot at the door. I strode to join Gilda by her seat in the second row. When I plopped into the chair next to her smiled so brightly it made me smile back with as much vigor as hers.

I mouthed 'what is it?'.

"Charlie asked me to meet her folks next Friday."

I untucked my notepad from my jacket and responded.

_'I know! Charlie told me yesterday.'_

"Yeah, and I'm super nervous. I really want them to like me," Gilda wrung her wrists in her hands.

_'Please, they'll love you. Charlie's parents are the coolest parents I know. One time last summer we accidentally blew up her dad's grill, but instead of getting mad, he pulled up a stool and some marshmallows and we made s'mores over the smoldering metal. You'll do okay.'_

Gilda smiled, then she basically impaled my stomach with her sharp elbow. I clutched the sore area after letting out a few profanities in my head, looking at her in confusion. I mouthed 'what was that for?' and she just gave me a look.

"I saw you eyeing Castiel back there," Gilda had a self-satisfied grin on her face.

I mouthed 'that's Castiel?'. She nodded.

I nodded, unsure what to say about that. I looked over my shoulder to sneak another look at the Castiel guy, but Gilda hit my arm before I could.

"Focus, meeting's about to start."

Jenny called for attention, and started on this week's spiel. She talked of how friends and and family can be very helpful when overcoming and coping with  a disability. She talked about how having those people in our lives make us stronger in the end and create stronger bonds. That struck a chord with me, and I grabbed Gilda's hand in mine and squeezed it knowingly.

There wasn't much sharing today, so the meeting ended sooner than expected. Chairs were stacked and people left on their own accord. Now was about the time that Gilda and I would go for some food at the diner. But as I looked across the room and saw Castiel helping Jenny with the extra chairs, appreciative smile on her face, a thought came into my head. It was a dangerous thought, creeping its way into my head, bringing with it hopes and ideas with it.

When Gilda slugged her bag over her shoulder and nodded towards the door, I waved her off. Confusion was on her face, but when my eyes bounced back to Castiel, then back to her, she finally understood. Getting the message, Gilda left with a wink, and I looked back at the boy with the blue eyes.

I took a deep breath and with my thoughts racing, strode toward the guy. Three feet away, I stopped, and he turned towards me, a look on his face, waiting for me to make a move. Even just a two months since my accident, I still can feel my heart deflate when meeting people. The feeling of not saying hello or start a conversation, it made my chest tighten, rigid and unmoving, the painful ache spreading to my stomach. I would never be able to say 'I love you' or 'marry me?' to my spouse. I would never utter again Sammy's name or my mom's or my dad's. I would never move crowds with my words, or command an army with my powerful voice. I just couldn't.

I wiped the forming tears before they fell from my eyes, and I sniffled a bit, ridding me of my runny nose.

I hurriedly grabbed my notepad out of my back pocket and flipped to a new page. When I found one, I pulled out my pen, almost out of ink, and scribbled my words onto my page.

_'Hi, my name's Dean Winchester.'_

I handed Castiel the pad of paper and I watched as he took it and read the words on the page. He lifted his hand off his lap, asking for the pen in my hand. 

_**'My name is Castiel. Castiel Novak.'** _

'nice to meet you, Castiel.'

_**'You too.'** _

I smiled. This felt very easy, passing the notepad back and forth, despite my overzealous stomach doing tucks and rolls in my abdomen. An idea popped in my head, a little random and a little impossible, but hey, why not?

'You wanna go and grab a bite with me? You can bring your translator if you feel like she should come, I don't mind.'

I couldn't tell what Castiel was thinking when he read the inked page, and a feeling of rejection washed over me with surprising quickness. It was way too soon, we literally just met. He doesn't feel comfortable sharing meals with practical strangers. But then his face changed. A smile, small and timid. Surprise. His hand flew across the page with the pen tight in his fluid hand. Finishing his response, he held onto the pad for a moment, looking a little hesitant. But then he was holding out the notepad, and I eagerly grabbed it.

_**Of course :) and she is actually my sister, Anna. My usual translator is sick in the hospital. But I think I will be okay for one night.'** _

A small smile played at Castiel's soft looking lips. They curled just enough to expose some of his pearly white teeth. Light blush over his pale cheeks, like she just realized how eager he sounded on paper.

_'Okay, just let me get my stuff and we'll go.'_

As I spun around to fetch my jacket, my face split in a wide beam. I strode towards my chair, slinging the green denim onto my shoulders, and made my way back to Castiel, who was saying goodbye to his sister by the looks of it. She waved to him rigidly, probably sign language. After she left, I approached him again, smiling brightly back at him.

His eyes spoke for him, saying 'shall we?'.

The walk to the diner was windy and quiet, for obvious reasons. We walked side by side, and every single time our hands brushed, I could feel my cheeks and neck warm and I couldn't help but smile smugly. Little sparks would shoot from my cold fingertips, up my arm, and right into my chest, spreading the feeling all the way through my body.

We entered the diner and a kind middle-aged woman led us to a booth in the back of the restaurant, tucked into a corner near the kitchen. I could smell the grease and salt and it warmed my whole body, stomach growling in response.

Castiel and I sat across from each other, shoes knocking softly underneath the small table. I faced the front door, while Castiel had a full view of the kitchen. She handed us some menus without a word, and left us alone. I clapped my hands and rubbed them together, nerves acting up. Was this a date? It felt like a date, and Castiel looked kinda happy to be here. But I was nervous. I had never been out with a guy before, and I hadn't had a real date since Cassie. And we broke up six months before the incident.

Interrupting my thoughts, the waitress from earlier was back with a notepad similar to mine and a sparkly pink pen.

"Good evening you two. My name is Cody, may I take your order?"

Crap.

Gilda usually orders when we eat here, and I never thought to tell the waiter I couldn't speak. I choked up, metaphorically, but Castiel then did something unexpected.

Castiel held up a finger, and the waitress just nodded patiently. He probably judged by the menus and the presence of the waitress that it was time to order.

He pulled out his phone and rapidly started typing. His thumbs were practically on fire. With a hint of a smile on his face he dramatically pressed a last button and his phone started talking.

"I. Would. Like. A. Hamburger. With. Lettuce. Tomato. And. Lettuce. No. Cheese. Please. And. A. Coke. What. About. You. Dean," said the feminine robotic voice.

I just stared at his phone. Castiel was just grinning madly, overjoyed at the action.

"Okay." The waitress looked unnerved. Pivoting back towards Dean she gave him a fake smile, wanting to get away from the weird couple as fast as she could. "What would you like, Dean?"

I didn't toss out my notepad like I originally thought to do. Instead, I just pointed to my meal. Happy with the easy order, Cody nodded politely and sauntered off.

I got out my paper and pen.

 _'From now on, we're doing our conversing on paper. Your phone's voice sounds like Samantha in_ Her _.'_

Castiel smiled, catching on the reference. He slid the pad from my hands, and responded, then slid it back.

_**'I only use it when ordering food by myself or when my translator isn't around. Actually, I rather prefer this.** _

His eyes didn't leave my face, even after I read his words. His gaze was more thoughtful than creepy, like he was curious for my reaction.

_'I don't really know what I'm doing here. Cas. Do you?'_

Cas hesitates, looking thrown, not responding at first.

_**'I was under the impression that we were on a date, Dean. I agreed to accompany you tonight because, while only knowing you for a short and brief period of time, I have found myself drawn to you in more ways than just physically. I could've brought Anna, and made this entire ordeal awkward and tense, but no, I wanted tonight to be just us. When I look at you Dean, I feel something in my chest, something I have never felt before.'** _

My jaw dropped slightly, but I quickly shut it, eyebrows quirked obscenely high.

_'Really? Like what?'_

_**'Are you familiar with the story of Jonathan and David?'** _

Okay, random question. But who didn't?'

_'A little. I just know that they were friends and David slayed a lion to save a sheep from his herd.'_

_**'Yes, David did do that. But actually, some believe they were more. The Bible doesn't explicitly describe their relationship, but some believe that they were sexually and romantically involved. Jonathan loved David as he did his own soul, and when Jonathan died, David rented, or ripped, his shirt off in agony and despair... It was quite a love story.'**_

_'Wow, and that's all in the Bible?'_

**_'Yes, though it doesn't flat-out say so, but their thoughts and body language suggest a more intimate relationship than just platonic friends. And yes, they both had females wives, but again, being a homosexual at the time was considered taboo and a sin.'_**

_'Interesting. But what does that have to do with the way you're feeling?'_

Cas huffed, sitting back in to the cracking vinyl booth seat. Their intense paper conversation had inadvertently reeled him into a crouch, leaning forward over the table.

_**'Well, I have always taken to their story. Being the gay son of a very Christian father has been a difficult existence, but Jonathan and David have always been a sort of inspiration to me, something to pull strength from. More of an aspiration, really, to have such a relationship. And just. You remind me of David.'** _

_'Oh.'_

Cas tensed, then lightly tugged the pad back to himself. He slowly wrote down something, hiding the words behind his hand. And it seemed unsurely, he offered me back the page.

**_'And you kind of, sort if, might make me wanna rip my shirt off too.'_ **

I sputtered, water that was previously trickling down my throat choked back up into my mouth. My face turned hot, creeping blush reaching all the way to my neck and decorating my chest. I covered my face in my hands, hiding from the embarrassed and kinda smug smile Cas was showing off. God, if that didn't go straight to my groin. Fuck.

Thankfully, Cody was right on time and brought out their food on a giant circular tray. She left with a smug look on her face.

Cas dug in, and I tucked into my sandwich with not as much vigor as Cas, but I was still kinda reeling. Cas took another big bite from his burger, a small moan escaping his throat. The sound stopped me mid bite. I made a face, and Castiel chuckled. Focus back on his food, Cas ate with voracious fervor. I smiled, happy I could take the guy out for a good, if unhealthy, meal.

There was little conversing after that, our hands preoccupied on the masterpieces in front of us. We ate slow, taking our time. I stole a few glances at Cas, and shied away when caught. When out burgers were gone and our bellies were satisfied, I got up to pay.

"Nuh-uh, no way Jose. Bill's on the house." Her eyes drifted back to Cas, and she dipped her chin. " You two cuties have a nice rest of your date," and Cody disappeared.

Staggered, I made my way back to Cas. I shook my head, and I realized I never got a chance to correct her.

A warm hand slipped into mine, and I stared down at the appendage. My eyes trailed up the smooth arm and over the gaunt shoulder, and I was met with Cas' gaze. It was with an intensity I was unfamiliar with that Cas slung his jacket over his shoulder, keeping our hands latched, and tugged us out the door, waving to Cody before disappearing into the dark night.

Stars were dancing in the sky, a vista rarely seen in big cities. Cas lead me apace over a small bridge over a quiet stream, and into the dense forest surrounding the park nearby, though seemingly not his target destination. The thick foliage began to thin out, revealing more sky above, the ground more visible with the added moonlight beaming through the canopy. The scene was enchanting, almost like a scene in Fern Gully. The trees dissipated, and the sky opened up.

It was a pond, stretching out like a ginormous inground pool. Moonlight bounced off the surface, reflecting the night's sky and all the stars back into the darkness. The whole sight was breathtaking.

Eyes slanting over to Cas, my throat seized up. His already pale skin looked luminescent, his black tousled hair flopping in the slight breeze. The strands almost matched the color of the sky.

I had never seen this place before. It was off the main road, probably some townspeople's' idea to to combat the carbon dioxide levels or whatever. But Castiel didn't return my gaze, only drew me toward the shimmering pond.

And as if out of nowhere, a bench popped up on the waterside, and Cas urged me to sit next to him. The wood was cold, and Cas scooted closer to me, immediately warming me up.

The water acted as a mirror, almost a perfect reflection of the sky above. I couldn't keep my gaze from Cas yet again, but he was looking at me already, a bereft and lost glint in his eyes. I couldn't look away, and apparently neither did he. I felt a tug at my hip, my body tensing, then I relaxed. Cas' hand was on my notebook, pulling it from my pocket, and unsnapping the pen from the spiral wire.

_**'I love to come here to think. It's liberating and I go home feeling better than I did when I arrived. The stars shine so bright, they're like little flashlights in the sky, shining down on me. I always wanted to share this place with the world and others like it, but I guess people are too concerned with their cell phones and twitters to really appreciate the outdoors and it's conciliating effect.'** _

There was a space, and then it continued.

**_'My mother used to take me to places like this when we were moving around. She wrote editorials on churches and published journals of the sentiments and characters of over two hundred churches before she turned thirty-five. Me and my siblings were carted around to a different town every month. It was good pay, but sometimes I wonder if she thought it was worth depriving her children of normal childhoods. This was the last town she ever visited before she retired. She would bring me here if I was having a bad day or because I wanted to just sit in silence and watch the birds. One time when I was ten, she signed to me a story about princes and princesses and dragons. I took what was given to me, and that day I told her that I preferred princes over princesses, and after that she started making up her own stories. The princes and princesses would have sleepovers with the kitchen staff, and brave knights saving princes. I was thirteen, and then she told me that one day I would find my prince, and that we would live happly ever after.'_ **

My head swam with all the words, processing the information at a mediocre speed.

_'Have you found him yet?'_

**_'I don't know.'_ **


	7. 6 : Emerald

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Finals are a bitch, my school had a bomb threat, but it actually was a distraction so some people could rob a bank. My friends went to ComicCon as Homestuck characters so I hope they had fun (without me.)
> 
> Just a reminder:
> 
>  _Dean_  
>  _ **Castiel**_  
>  and later on we will have  
>  **Sam**
> 
> If anyone is interested, you can keep up to date on chapter progress over on [my tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/crepuscular-writer)!
> 
> And THANK YOU for all the kudos/comments! You guys are awesome :) .

[a poem](http://www.movemequotes.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/tumblr_mslsd7eNsk1qevynko1_500.jpg)

 

**~o~**

 

_**'Do you know any ASL?'** _

_'uh, i know how to say hi'_

**_'Okay, that's somewhere to start. Show me.'_ **

I wiggled my fingers, making the sign for 'H', looking sorta like a gun, then an 'I', pointing my pinkie to the sky. I smiled broadly, putting my hand back down in my lap. We were leaning against two trees at the park, trying to get some ASL shoved into my head by the end of the day. The sun was shining brightly above, the only clouds in sight down at the horizon. I had on two coats of sunblock, courtesy of Mary, so I wouldn't burn or get more freckles. I didn't need any more of those right now.

Cas just smiled.  _ **'You can do that too. Another way is just a simple wave.'**  _Cas then touched his fingers to his forehead, and did a little salute thing.

_'okay, i got it, what next?'_

**_'We could start with simple greetings, or just naming things around the park? Whatever you want for your first lesson.'_ **

_'lol okay, Simple Greetings for 400 please'_

Cas shook his head, and I just chuckled.

_**'This is going to be a very long day if you don't pay attention, Dean.'** _

_'aw, c'mon Cas, have some fun, don't be so frigid'_

I shoved him lightly. Cas made a face, then shoved me back slightly harder, making me almost topple over. My smile turned to a playful snarl, then I shoved him back with all I could, Cas falling over with a 'oomph!', his arms and legs shooting toward the sky like a dead dog. I clapped my hands together, leaning back against my tree, body wracking with laughter. Cas's face was too precious to miss, a mixture of surprise and helplessness. He sat back up, and I couldn't stop myself from laughing harder when I saw the little branches and pieces of grass in his already mussed hair. He just glowered at me, shaking his head to get all the new additions out.

I took a deep breath, forcefully calming myself down, wiping away tears from my eyes. Cas was back to looking at his cards, his ears and face colored in a deep blush. Guilt crawled into my skin, so I tried to get him to look at me, but he just kept staring at his cards.

_'cas, i was just playing, what's wrong?'_

**_'I do have fun. I read books I enjoy and watch popular TV shows and movies with subtitles. I listen to popular music on the radio even though I don't know what they are saying. I go out, I have_  fun** _**.'** _ _**  
** _

I immediately felt bad, my face falling to a frown.

_'i'm sorry cas, i didn't mean to offend you'_

**_'It's okay, Dean. Now let's get back to simple greetings.'_** Cas dismissed his attempt to apologize.  ** _'You already know how to say hi, so let's start with_** _**goodbyes.'**_

Cas shuffled some of his cards around, placing a few into a separate pile, and continuing through the stack. When he was done, he picked up the new stack, and held up the first card.

The first image was of a bald man holding his hand sorta upside down, and then another of the same man waving his hand, still upside down.

**_'This is one way to say goodbye. Here is another.'_ **

The next card showed a different set of baldie, just scrunching his hand repeatedly next to his head.

**_'I am going to show you how to finger spell it. It will help you memorize the alphabet better too.'_ **

Putting down the cards, Cas finger signed the letters that spelled goodbye, flicking them and swaying his hand in a quick and efficient manner, but my head couldn't keep up with the individual signs. Cas noticed my confusion, and moved on to the old stack.

**_'We'll work on that later.'_ **

I just shrugged. It was my first day, I am allowed to be slow on the intake a bit.

_'hey, i'm hungry, you want to get something to eat?'_

**_'Sure, but what?'_ **

I shifted on my butt, twisting my torso, and pointing across the park to the nearby baseball fields. The travel season was wrapping up, but the concession stands were still open, selling all kinds of greasy and tooth-rotting ballpark food.

_'c'mon cas, let's get some burgers, my treat'_

Cas just nodded, taking the hand I offered to him, tugging himself to his feet. We walked toward the concrete building, almost getting run over by a whole team of rug rats in baseball pants and identical hats. We ordered two burgers, splitting a popcorn, and two Coke bottles. Soon we were back under the shade of our trees, and we ate in comfortable silence. Well, it's always kinda silent, but you get the point.

When we finished, Cas just wanted to go over some basic stuff with me, common words and phrases.

By dinner time, we had only gone through a fourth of the stack. I am not a very fast learner.

**_'You did very well, Dean. I am impressed.'_ **

_'thanks for coming out and teaching me, cas, really, you're a great teacher'_

**_'You're welcome. I had fun doing it. How about we do this tomorrow?'_ **

_'yeah sure, when?'_

**_'I am available any time after noon. I have Mathletes in the morning.'_ **

_'okay, just text me and we can meet up somewhere'_

That just made Cas smile, and a thought popped up in my head. I remembered a sign Mary had taught me when I was a toddler. I smiled at the memory, one of warmth and moonlight.

I fixed my posture and wiggled my fingers, and Cas' brow furrowed, confused at his actions. I closed my eyes in concentration, pulling the memory to the surface, and pointed at my chest with both index fingers. Then I crossed my arms, hands resting on opposite shoulders, then pointed back out towards where Cas was sitting when I last saw him. I peeked my eyes open. Cas was blushing puce, the color reaching from the top of his forehead, down to the tips of his ears, down to where his neck met his jaw. I frowned, then with a realization I smacked myself on the forehead. What had I said?

I scrambled for the notebook, and I scribbled my question onto it before shoving it in Cas' reddened face.

_'what did i just say?'_

Cas just blushed harder, burying his face in his palms, refusing to look up. I tried giving it to him again, but he wouldn't. After what seemed like hours, Cas took a deep breath and finally straightened up. I handed him the pad, wanting him to answer, but he just took it and set it down next to his abandoned cards. He slowly put the cards back into his bag, cleaning up any sign he had been there. He stood with his things, me doing the same thing, and we stood there, holding the eye contact for all it was worth. Cas picked up the notebook and returned it with something new written.

**_'I will see you tomorrow Dean. Have a nice_ _night.'_ **

He turned to leave, but I grabbed his wrist and pulled him back to me.

_'you're not gonna tell me what i said, are you?'_

He just shook his head, pressing the pad back into my open hands. I expected to turn back around and leave, but Cas didn't.

He slowly leaned in, one of his hands wrapping its way around the back of my neck, and pulled me down the rest of the way. Unexpectedly, Cas pressed a kiss to my cheek. My breathing hitched. My head was enveloped in a wave of hazey fuzz, all thoughts previously occupying my time washed away in a sea of chapped lips and stubble burn. The warmth from Cas' hand seeped into my skin, and I ran a hand up his arm to meet that hand, digging my fingers into the spaces between Cas', squeezing lightly, and I relished in the contact, leaning into Cas' embrace.

And then it was over. Cas was pulling back, his hand leaving my neck open to the cold night air. I shivered, not noticing until now the dropping temperature, but then I realized Cas had held on to my hand, our fingers intertwined with ease. He squeezed it reassuringly, giving me a lazy smile. Our hands fell apart, and with a nod, Cas turned and left.

I don't know how long I stood there for, but when I finally came to, I brushed the pads of my fingers against my cheek, right over where Cas' lips just were. I broke out in a small smile, the ghost of the embrace brushing over my skin. Breaking out of my mental fog, I grabbed my jacket off of the grass. Shrugging it on, I tucked the whole day's conversations into my back pocket. I took a deep breath, and sauntered out of the now abandoned park, hoping that tomorrow would come sooner.

 

**~o~**

 

My eyes burned and my back hurt, but I didn't care. It was after dinner and I had taken my laptop from under my bed and searched for every single video on YouTube about ASL, trying desperately to learn more so I could impress Cas tomorrow. My fingers were trembling slightly, cramped and aching from the rigorous activity they were put through, from spelling out the alphabet all the way to simple phrases describing myself. The room was cold, so I sorely grabbed a blanket and draped it over my shoulders, tucking it into my neck and sides.

This video was showing me how to ask someone the date, but clatter sounded from down the hall, louder than the busty blonde on the screen. I tugged out an earbud, listening for the noise again, but all I got was quiet. I shrugged, sticking the earbud back in place, and resumed the video. Again, the clatter made me jump, this time I took out both earbuds, closing the laptop, and clambering out of bed. I grabbed a wooden baseball bat leaning against my dressed, and slowly crept into the hallway. It was dark, and the only light came from the open curtains over the windows, letting in the weak moonlight. With light footsteps, I slowly made my way down the hallway, and this time it sounded like a person falling. There was a grunt of pain. Sammy.

I froze, my heart racing in my chest, my hands suddenly sweating, and I'm hit with a memory of a man standing over Sam's crib, a wicked smile on his face as he reached down to touch him. Breaking out of my slightly catatonic state, I dashed down the rest of the hall, my breath jagged and uneven, until I got to Sam's room. I threw open the door with one hand, then I grabbed the bat with both, raising it over my shoulder, until a cry of surprise stopped me.

On the floor was Sam, rubbing his head, and a girl was straddling his hips, long blonde hair covering her face. They both were breathing heavily, and it didn't look like it was just from me running in unannounced. Sam sat up, an incredulous look on his face, staring at me.

"Dean, what the hell?"

He was staring at the bat, so I set it down against the door frame, and lifted my hands in the air. I gestured at the girl, now with her hair flung over her shoulder, revealing a pretty face and nice body.

"Dean, this is Jess. Jess, this is my brother Dean," Sam huffed.

I just wave, my breaths still uneven and heavy.

"Dean, are you okay?" Sam asks, his brow scrunched up.

I just shrugged, and leaned against the doorway, catching my breath easier that way. I gestured to the corner of the room, the place his his crib used to be, but Sam just looked more confused. I took a piece of paper off of his desk and a pencil.

_'i heard a noise, and i thought that guy was back, from when you were a baby'_

Sam still didn't look satisfied.

**'What guy?'**

_'the guy who snuck into your nursery when you were a couple months old, the guy with the creepy yellow eyes and grey hair'_

Sam just stared at the page.

**'Who?'**

I just sighed. Sam was too young to remember anything like that, and it's not like we talk about it still. It was more than a decade ago.

_'nevermind, i just thought you were hurt. where'd you get the chick? ;)'_

He rolled his eyes, and lightly tugged Jess off of him and onto the carpet. "Jess and I have the same Bio 1 Honors class and Mod World Civ. We've been dating for a couple weeks now." He blushes, and so does Jess _._

_'you using protection?'_

Sam scoffed, throwing the paper back at me, but I just smirked. He was a nice red color now, not making eye contact with Jess, and she just looked confused.

"We're not doing that Dean, get your head out of the gutter." He got up, pulling Jess up with him, almost cradling her hand in his. I made a gagging motion, and Sam rolled his eyes.

_'well i'm going back to my room, don't make too much noise when you're groping each other, you're lucky it was me instead of dad, or worse, mom'_

Sam just waves me off, shoving the paper back into my face. I looked back to Jess, and she looked more confused than ever, gazes bouncing between Sam and me. To ease her mind, I wrote a little note to her, and handed the whole paper over to her.

 _'sorry to interrupt, thought someone was attacking my little brother, but i guess if it's a hot girl i can't really complain.'_ She started blushing, so I guess she got to that part.  _'im going back to my room, so y'know, use condoms and stuff, g'night :)'_ She just set the paper down and walked over to me, pulling me into a hug, catching me off guard. Sam just gave me a look, and I just shrugged, returning the embrace, wrapping my arms around her small body and squeezing lightly.

Jess was the one to pull away, a broad smile on her face, and she mouthed 'thank you', and I nodded. I picked back up the baseball bat, and bid the couple adieu with a small wave. Walking back to my room, I heard a female giggle, and I smiled, thinking my brother picked a good one.

 


	8. 7 : Honeysuckle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I have a beta! She is [SUPERreader](http://archiveofourown.org/users/SUPERreader) and I really appreciate her existence.
> 
> I just wanted to say thank you guys so much for all the positive feedback on this story and my recent one-shots [Meet The Parents](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3612549) and [1](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3450071).
> 
> Now onto the chapter.

**_'Pay attention Dean, you've been distracted all day.'_ **

_'no i haven't, next card'_

Cas rolled his eyes, but picked up a new flashcard anyway. We'd been studying for almost an hour, and had only gotten through ten cards. The day was not panning out to be one filled with accomplishment and achievement.

Sam had Jess over, and they were watching a movie on the couch in the living room. Me and Cas were camped out in the kitchen, snacking on chips and salsa, trying to not waste the day away.

My eyes flitted towards the couple on the leather couch, both no longer watching the screen, but now each other. Sam hesitantly slid his arm around Jess, but needn't have worried, the smile on her face was blinding.

Suddenly fingers were in my face, snapping for my attention.

My head wheeled back to Cas, all thoughts of Sam and Jess leaving me. Cas just huffed, shuffling his cards, and holding up the next one with an expectant look. I rolled his eyes, translating the written word to the ASL word, and when I got it right, Cas smiled, moving on to the next card.

I tried to concentrate, really, but my eyes kept on shifting to the living room, now filled with conversation and laughter rather than explosions and rough voices. Sam and Jess were rough-housing, I could see, shoving each other playfully on the couch, and a sigh escaped my mouth.

Cas must've noticed because he was setting down his cards. He tugged my notebook toward him.

**_'Are you okay?'_ **

When I read it, I blushed, embarrassed, and the tablecloth suddenly looked more interesting than a tablecloth should be.

_'yeah, i'm good, let's keep going'_

**_'Why don't we take a break? You look like you could use one.'_ **

I nodded appreciatively. I stood up from my chair and swaggered to the white refrigerator, perusing its contents for a suitable snack-slash-lunch. I ended up tugging out the ham, turkey, and lettuce from the drawer, setting them onto the counter, and fetching the rye bread from the pantry. Methodically, I constructed my and Cas' sandwiches on plates, placing each slice in it's place. When that was done, I added a healthy portion of potato chips to each plate and brought them to the table. Setting the meal down in front of Cas, his face offered his confusion and meek curiosity. I forgot the drinks, crap. I snapped my fingers, and quickly poured me and Cas drinks and sat back down.

**_'What is this?'_ **

_'it's my famous All or Nothing lunch. it's got turkey, lettuce, and ham on seeded rye bread with a side of potato chips and sweet tea. now eat up, it's probably the best damn thing you're ever gonna eat'_

I shoved the notebook away, and carefully picked up the sandwich, practically cradling it in my callused hands, and took a bite. The noise that escaped my lips was accidental. Cas couldn't hear it, but that didn't stop Cas from giving me a look. My eyebrow quirked up, but Cas just brushed me off, bringing my attention back to lunch.

"De-Dean, help me--ah!" Jess cried.

The scream shook me, my instinct to jump from my chair and help her overcoming me. I was bounding around the couch, but all I saw was Sam hovering over Jessica, her hands in one of his own, and his other hand brushing across her stomach.

I rolled his eyes, and picked up a magazine and a permanent marker from the coffee table and wrote:

_'sam, i am only seventeen, that is too young to be an uncle'_

When Sam reached for it, Jessica rolled off the couch and onto the floor and hopped onto Sam's back, effectively shoving his face into the couch cushion, his arms caught underneath him.

"Ha, I win," she spoke smugly. With a shove off his back, she slid down onto the couch behind her boyfriend and turned up the volume on the TV.

With shaky arms, Sam pushed himself off of the couch, and gave me a look of complete scorn. I just smirked, slapping the magazine onto the arm rest. Sam ignored it, instead wrapping his arms around Jessica's waist, but before she could shy away, he stood, picking her up with him as she kicked her legs and smacked his arms, squeaking and rattling off harmless threats. Our eyes met, Sam's bouncing from me to the stairs and back, and I just shrugged, picking up the magazine.

_'you can, as long as you have the door open, and if you are quiet enough, make sure you use condoms, i do not wanna be an uncle just yet'_

Sam read as Jessica tried to escape his arms with no avail, blushed at my words but nodding with agreement. He made his way to his room as I returned to Cas, who was still sitting at the table, a wide grin on my face. The notebook was where my drink had been.

**_'What happened? Was Jessica injured?'_ **

_'no, Cas, Sam and Jess were just playing around. i sent them to Sam's room to go at each other and leave us alone'_

**_'I don't understand, did they go upstairs to fight?'_ **

_'i mean sex, Cas'_

Watching Cas' facial expressions was a learning experience. The way Cas reacted to things is unlike any other person I had ever met. When a light blush crept from his neck to his cheeks though, his eyes falling to the sandwich left untouched on his plate, I didn't know what to think .

_**'Yes, sex, I knew that.'** _

_'oh cmon Cas, it ain't that big of a deal, i bet you've had a jessica at some point right?'_

Cas didn't respond immediately, but brought his glass to his lips.

_**'I have never actually engaged in any sort of relationship, and if I did, it would certainly not be with a female.'** _

_'you're gay?'_

Cas just shrugged, not meeting my eyes. He picked up his sandwich and took a bite, his face betraying his surprise at the taste.

_'you know, Cas, if you are, that is totally cool, i'm bi, but i lean towards guys'_

Now Cas looked more confused than he did before.

**_'Really, but I thought you and Gilda were...'_ **

I had to laugh at that.

_'Gilda and i are just friends', plus shes dating a friend of mine'_

**_'Oh, I_ ** _**see.'** _

A comfortable air settled over us and we finished lunch in peace. I could no longer hear Sam and Jessica, whether that was a good or bad thing, I didn't know or care. We were sitting in the living room, watching Star Trek with the subtitles on. I was pulled away from the movie when Cas picked up a cooking magazine and handed it to me with a note on it.

_**'Dean, I ask that you keep what I told you today between us. My dad is a very dedicated and conservative Catholics and I know where he stands on the matter of people like me. I trust you with this.'** _

If anyone had asked what I felt at that moment, I wouldn't tell them that I felt my chest swell with his words, my hands shake just enough to be unnoticeable but to still be felt when I held the magazine.

_'sure, as long as you do the same'_

**_'You are the first person I have ever told outside of my brother Gabriel.'_ **

_'same here'_

Cas' brow furrowed.

_**'You've told Gabriel?'** _

Our conversation stopped there when Cas threw the magazine behind him and folded his arms as laughter racked my body, almost sending me to tears. When I calmed down, Cas smiled at me with a warmth I had never before felt in someone's gaze. My eyes slanted down to his grin, and a new feeling crawled into my chest. I coughed, straightening up on the cushion, and went back to The Commander's final message.

 

**~o~**

 

I could hear Jenny's voice before I entered the meeting room. I hustled toward the door, quietly slipped inside, and took a seat, smiling at Jenny as she waved me in. I looked around. Gilda was sitting in the front row and she turned to toss a smile at me, which I returned. Moments later I noticed Cas sitting two rows in front of me on the other side of the room. I caught his eye and he smiled at me, a warm and comfortable expression. When he turned back toward Jenny a twinge of disappointment pinched my chest, but I shook it off, doing the same.

"We are planning a nature walk for anyone who wants to join us. It will be in two weeks at the Perry State Park. If you are interested in going, please sign up on this sheet I am passing around, and I hope to see you there."

Gilda turned around in her seat, and rolled her eyes. I smirked back.

"We are going to start this meeting off with some share time. Does anyone want to go first?"

I looked around at the less than enthusiastic crowd, and I shrugged to myself. Why not?

I raised my hand, and Jenny almost looked startled.

"Dean, come on up." She waved toward the board as I rose from my seat. I picked up a marker from the basket, staring at it. I glanced at the crowd, and Gilda gave me a thumbs up.

And as I wrote on the board, I realized how much easier it was now than the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go check out my [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/crepuscular-writer) for updates on chapter progress.


	9. 8 : Cesious

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To my brilliant beta [SUPERreader](http://archiveofourown.org/users/SUPERreader), for she is the reason I am not ripping my hair out as I type this.
> 
> Thank you guys so much for all the positive feedback on this story and my recent one-shots [Meet The Parents](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3612549) and [1](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3450071).
> 
> [Here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/crepuscular-writer) is my tumblr, where I will do my best to keep you guys up to date on chapter progress and new stuff with links and all that jazz.
> 
> Enjoy the chapter :)

_'wtf where is everyone?'_

**_'I don't know Dean. I too thought there would be more people.’_ **

I huffed, stuffing the notepad into my back pocket. Cas was looking at me with a slightly irritated look, and I turned my head back towards the front of their crowd.

We were in a park. A big, green park with trees everywhere and a pond right behind us with geese shitting all over the place. It was gross. Jenny was giving the group a lecture about park rules along with other boring crap that a two year old could follow. It looked familiar. The odd paved roads with the occasional biker and the tranquility of the water **—** it was peaceful.

Cas tugged on my sleeve, shooting me a look, but I shrugged him off, moving my gaze back to Jenny. I rolled my eyes. I could pay attention.

"Today is going to be so much fun," Jenny clapped her hands giddily. "Now remember, don't go anywhere without a partner. Buddy system guys, it shouldn't be hard. We will be headed for the trails in ten minutes. Use that time to go to the bathroom or find a buddy, just don't wander off."

The group disbanded, some running to the port-a-potties, others taking a seat on the benches scattered around the grounds. I turned to Cas, re-adjusting the pack resting on my shoulders. I took the time to look around, taking in the forest looming on a hill ahead, and I gulped.

Something in my peripheral vision caught my eye, and when I turned to face it, there was a hole in the wall of branches, a trail that didn't look busy at the moment. I inched my way over, drawn to it out of curiosity, when Cas' hand gripped my shoulder and spun me around. I nodded toward the trail, and even Cas looked a little intrigued. Together we walked toward the trail, and as we got closer we could see a set of stairs, steep and old, twisting and turning all the way down until the stairway disappeared into the ground. I gulped again.

I'd been here before. This was the trail I aspired to climb as a kid, the trail Mary and John never allowed me to go on, since it was for more experienced hikers. I shuddered, now fully taking in how challenging the thing was.

"Now what do you two think you're doing? We're leaving." I jumped, jerking around to see Jenny with her hands on her hips and her brow furrowed, a stern curiosity glinting in her eyes. Cas must've felt me flinch, because he turned around and blushed too, staring at his shoes.

She looked us over, and huffed. "You two, I don't want to know."

Her comment left me confused, but Jenny was walking away. I tugged Cas' arm to get him to follow me as we joined the rest of the group. Jenny yelled some more warnings, something about hydration, and we were off.

 

**~o~**

 

The woods were quiet. Even the birds were quiet. I could feel mosquitos hovering over my skin. We were walking along the amateur trail, and Marvin, the group's genius, was spouting some crap facts about indigenous trees that would be fascinating only to another genius. Sounded like something Sam would say. It was my turn to push Ernie on his wheelchair. Ernie was seventy years old and 230 pounds. So that was fun. After ten minutes Cas took Ernie and I stretched my fingers out, working my stiff muscles back to life, wincing as I did so.

We walked, and we walked, and we walked. The sun was high in the sky when Jenny called for a lunch break. While everyone unloaded their packs, a little idea popped into my head. Firmly grasping Cas' hand and ignoring his questioning look, I tugged him off the trail, away from the group. There was a coffee tree, and man was it huge, at least sixty feet tall. The trunk was thick and riddled with vines winding up its length, and around the roots there were remnants of the beans that grew there. It had the perfect amount of shade and sunlight. Cas and I sat down on a particularly huge root and ate while listening to the sounds of the forest.

"Okay, everyone, lunch is over. Pack up your trash," I heard Jenny holler, sounding farther away than I expected.

Before I pushed off the root, Cas gripped my forearm and pulled me back down. Suddenly his hands dug into my back pocket, his fingers brushing over a very sensitive patch of skin I was unaware I had. I could feel the tingles travel up my spine and...other places. Cas ignored the small tent in my crotch, or didn't notice, and pulled out my notepad tucked in there. He also slipped out the pen and that sent another little rush up my spine. I could see Cas writing quickly, then shoved it into my hands.

_**'I have to pee. Can you wait for me?'** _

I nodded. Cas smiled thankfully, trudged off to another tree out of the thousands in the forest. A mantra of 'don't look, don’t look, don’t look' played in my head, and I struggled to keep my eyes from straying. I had to lean against the tree facing the opposite direction to keep myself in check. When Cas was done relieving himself, a sigh of relief escaped my lips and I turned back around. Cas just smiled again, clearly a little more relaxed than before. God, how badly had he had to pee? I shrugged to myself, waved to Cas, and we walked together back to the trail.

When we hit the dirt path again, it was empty, no trace of the people that were occupying it just minutes ago. The group was gone. A slight panic went off in my head, my internal alarm going off like the time when I was two and I got lost at the state fair. Cas looked just as confused as me. At least I had him this time. I tugged out my notebook again.

_'dude, where is everyone?'_

**_'They probably left without realizing we were gone.'_ **

_'well that's wonderful'_

**_'Let's just follow the trail. They can't be too far ahead.'_ **

At that I shoved the notebook back into my pocket with a huff. This was gonna be a long day.

We must've walked for hours. My head was pounding from the never-ending sunlight, my feet aching from the extensive usage. I was sweaty and the wind chilled my skin to where the sun didn't help much. We were grimy, cold, and most definitely lost. Surely by now we should've caught up with the group. After a few more hours, Cas insisted that we jog some of the way to make up for lost ground. It didn't help. We were lost. A spark went off in my head, and I smiled so brightly at the idea. I patted my pockets, searched my pack, patted down Cas. I was looking for a pamphlet with a map, but nothing.

The falsity of the little pinch of hope left me mentally drained. We kept walking. Cas slipped and fell face first into a puddle of mud and dirt. A small laugh escaped my lips, but the rest died in my throat when his face reddened underneath the sticky mud and tears fell down his cheeks. Cas threw a handful of the stuff at me, dirtying everything I had on. I attempted a scowl, but it just came out tired and annoyed. We both scampered down a short hill and got to a little patch of sand near the water. I shook my arms, knocking off any excess mud, and Cas did the same, wiping his face off with his shirt. I watched as he stared at the fabric before shrugging. Then he tugged it off, surprising me into a coughing fit.

For the rest of the clean-up, I kept my eyes painfully pointed ahead of me. Cas needed to clean up and so did I, no help getting distracted when we didn't have much time before sunset. I grabbed my phone out of my pocket, but it wouldn't turn on. Cas' phone was dead too. And I left my watch in Mary's car on the way here. Wonderful.

Mud looks easy to clean off, but that's seriously not the case. When I tugged my pants back on, I cringed at the feel of cold and wet denim on bare skin. I also felt that there was something missing. On the water, an object caught my eye, and I realized it was my new notebook floating down stream rapidly. Cas followed my gaze and saw our only way of communicating in full sentences drifting away. I sighed. That was just great.

 

**~o~**

 

When there are no clocks, time seems to go faster. There is no constant reminder of minutes and seconds ticking by to give some semblance of stability. Time is infinite, and the only stable thing the world has.

 

**~o~**

  
When night fell, I tugged a morose Cas down to the forest floor. I laid out a fleece blanket I found in my pack, not enough to cover the rough ground but it was all we had. Thank God for Mary. Swiftly my heart clenched in my chest, the ache spreading through my body. _Mary_. Oh god, she was probably worried out of her fucking mind. And Sammy. Jesus, Sammy. And Dad.

I looked down at Cas, who was trying to get comfortable on the lumpy ground. Cas’ parents were probably worried about him too. But what if our parents didn’t know? What if Jenny and the group didn’t even realize we were gone yet?

As I laid down onto the blanket, I made a resolution. I was gonna get Cas and me out of this damn forest even if it killed me. Cas was warm, despite the shivering winds and lack of sunlight. I huddled against his side, flinging my arm around his hip. I waited for a reaction, but Cas was already dead to the world. My thoughts raced, my mind supplying me with never ending worse-case scenarios, but once my head hit the dirt, I was out like a light.

When I woke, Cas was gone. I groggily stretched where I was laid, but when my hand felt the emptiness next to me, my half-asleep body jolted straight up. My eyes frantically searched for the guy, but he wasn’t there. Cursing in my head, I stood up, wavering a bit at the bloodrush, then stomped my way to the beaten path. Fucking hell. Was he at the water?

The tree branches were pushed aside carelessly as I stole down toward the stream, carefully sliding down the steep hill.

A giant sigh of relief escaped my lips when I saw Cas’ hunched figure poking at the sand with a stick. I joined him on a damp log leaned against a rock. Cas took notice of my presence, and smiled, calmly continuing his work of meaningless swirls and spirals.

My brow furrowed when he pointed the stick into the sky, then back down to the sand.

_**‘8 am’** _

I nodded. He was telling the time. I didn't know he even knew how to do that. Huh.

We sat there for a few more minutes, listening to the running water and the rustling of the trees. I nudged Cas lightly, then pointed back up the hill. Cas sighed, tossing the stick on the ground when he stood up, and followed me back where we slept.

We made haste of packing up, folding the blanket, and shrugging our packs back on. When I spun around, Cas was sitting on the ground, his pack at his feet, staring at his hands. I tapped his ankle with my foot, tilting my head toward the trail. He shook his head.

I rolled my eyes. We needed to keep moving. Or was it better not to move so someone could find us? Shit.

I threw my pack to the ground and I plopped down next to Castiel. He stared at me and shrugged, fiddling with the peeling bark between us.

And that was how it went basically until the sun was high in the sky. I must've fallen asleep because the next thing I remembered I was in my back in the dirt, the sun now to my right. I sat up with a grunt. My throat was itchy and my skin felt smothered. There was a noise, weird as hell, and when I turned toward the noise, my heart ached.

Castiel was curled in on himself, leaning against a particularly mossy tree trunk not five feet away, tear tracks on his cheeks. He was crying.

I cursed myself inside. I groaned as I pushed myself up, approaching Castiel hesitantly. When he saw that I was up he wiped his face on his sleeve and straightened up. I shook my head. I softly pinched a piece of moss off of the trunk near Cas’ nose and dabbed the tears off his reddened cheeks. We kept eye contact the whole time. It was comforting.

He looked scared. So was I, but I guess one of us had to be strong. His quiet sobs slowly trickled into little sniffles once in a while. When he nodded I rubbed his back, pulling him to his feet. He was on his feet and burying his face into my chest, his arms wound tightly around my waist. We just held each other.

I knew what he was thinking. We were in the middle of a huge state park with animals and poison ivy and we were never gonna go home because as the idiots we were we would probably die of dehydration or something equally embarrassing. I couldn't **—** wouldn't **—** let that happen. I pulled away and held his cheeks in my hands. We had no words, but I prayed that he would be able to see my determination, my hope, and see that we had a chance. That we were gonna make it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblr tag is [crepuscularwriter](https://www.tumblr.com/search/crepuscularwriter).


	10. 9 : Atrous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I have written any of this story for so long, I just had a kinda rough summer and first semester of school, but I am back now and I have a couple things I'm working on for you guys so I hope you enjoy this chapter :)))

"Nothing is more beautiful than the loveliness of the woods before sunrise."

-George Washington Carver

 

**~o~**

 

The light behind my eyelids woke me up, plucking me from my restless slumber. I sat up slowly, and I realized there were voices other than my own around me. My eyes opened, and suddenly a man with a flashlight rushed me. I felt my body being pulled from my seat next to Cas, and I tried to fight the guy who was all on me, my brain still half-asleep.

The guy wrestled me onto my feet, and I half-heartedly shoved him away, not succeeding.

Sounds were becoming clearer, and more voices joined the muffled chaos around me.

"Sir, you need to calm down. I'm trying to help you."

I finally looked at the guy, and I became confused. My eyes glanced over his bright yellow helmet equipped with a light on the forehead, his flashy vest over his torso, and the relieved look on his face.

"My name is Paul. Are you Dean Winchester?"

I nodded

"You've been gone for a couple days kid."

Throughout our conversation, I hadn't noticed a girl in a similar outfit helping Cas to his feet, his face scrunched in pain. I tried to scream out, but I couldn't.

I heard my name being called out again, and I saw my mother standing next to Jenny, both of them crying into their palms. Mary stumbled forward, dodging the sticks and slippery mud, and pulled me into her arms, shoving away the man.

"Oh my god, Dean, are you okay? I've been so worried." She sounded upset, so I rubbed her back softly and nodded, my head brushed her soft hair.

The man coughed loudly and started asking me questions about myself, but I was too focused on searching for Cas in the crowd of people to care. Then, I saw him in the arms of Jenny, the two crying to each other.

I shoved the man away and walked over to them, pushing past other people with red boxes, which I absently recognize as first aid kits, and bright vests. Jenny saw me and opened her arm to me, Cas doing the same. Their arms enveloped me, and I finally let myself cry.

 

**~o~**

 

Mary handed the nurse the clipboard and smiled thankfully.

"You can take your son home now, Mrs. Winchester. Have a good day," the nurse said, dipping her head and walking down the hallway to the front desk.

Mary pulled her purse off the chair next to her and slung it onto one shoulder, her smile soft.

"Are you ready to go now, sweetie?"

I fiddled with my jacket zipper before shrugging.

"Come on," she wrapped her arm into mine, leading me towards the front doors, "we can get Chinese and pig out in front of the TV if that's what you want to do."

I just shrugged again.

We stopped walking and Mary squeezed my arm.

"Is everything okay, Dean?"

When I didn't answer her, she pulled me into her arms. I wrapped my arms around her and sighed.

"Do you want me to leave you alone for a little bit? You've been coddled all day, I'm sure you're over it by now."

I nodded.

She pulled away and rubbed my shoulders.

"Just text me where you are every couple of hours. And be home by nine, okay?"

I nodded.

"I love you, and I'm glad you're okay." She kissed my forehead and squeezed my arm one last time before waving as she walked out the doors.

 

**~o~**

 

The smell of freshly cut grass made more sense when I saw the man in ratty clothes mowing the landscape of the park. Castiel was leaning against a tree, his attention wavering between the man and the object in his hand. I walked over to him, hands still at my side, my heart speeding up.

He startled when I set my hand on his shoulder, and I recoiled, guilt tinging my chest. But his face changed when he saw it was me, and he reached towards me, taking my hands and pulling me down next to him. The cold ground surprised me, but not as much as Cas pulling me into a hug, almost sitting me in his lap in the process.

He smelled like lemon and earth, possibly from the mowing guy. His warmth made my body shiver, and when I heard him crying my chest ached. I pulled away and framed his shoulders with my hands, searching his eyes for something.

He had a few tear tracks down his cheeks and, wiping them away with my thumbs, I gave him a smile. My hands returned to his arms and he just sighed, looking more relieved than he had a minute ago.

He reached for something, the object from before, and presented it to me.

I took my notebook and pen from him and ran my hands over the slightly water-damaged cover. A small smile graced my face, and I looked back up to him. He was smiling too. It gave me a small bit of joy to see it again.

He pointed to the pen but I just shook my head, setting the notebook and pen next to us. I clasped his outstretched hand in mine, brought it to my lips, and placed a gentle kiss on his knuckles, my eyes keeping contact with his.

I placed my other hand on the back of his neck, closer to me now that he was leaning over. Cas' blue eyes were wide and his lips parted as I pulled him towards me, our heads tilting.

His lips were soft and chapped, and the feeling sent a delightful shiver down my spine. Cas was moving, his hands twisting into my hair, much like mine were in his, responding to all the electric touches. There was stirring in my chest, warm and inviting, making me want more. I suddenly felt feverish and cold at the same time, spreading up my neck to my cheeks and the tips of my ears. One of his hands found its way to my face and caressed my cheek. He spilled out a moan as I tentatively tasted his mouth. It was everything and nothing like I had imagined.

Slowly, the kiss calmed down, and we were left with soft, connected kisses, my fingers rubbing his neck and his rubbing my hand where they were intertwined.

Suddenly, Cas sighed, and I met his eyes. He was beaming, almost glowing, resting his forehead against mine gently. I could hear the mowing guy approach, so I shifted our relaxed bodies so we were leaned against the tree, his head resting on my chest, our hands still connected. I squeezed his lightly, and he looked up at me, lightly kissed my jaw, and simply closed his eyes once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/crepuscular-writer) is my tumblr, [here](https://www.pinterest.com/andydautremont/) is my Pinterest, and [here](https://twitter.com/i/notifications) is my Twitter.  
>  On Tumblr and Twitter I will by trying to post updates about my progress and Pinterest will just be me trying to be cute :)
> 
> Sorry I took all summer to write this story again but I will try to continue this story and finish it.
> 
> I love you guys!!!


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